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The Ball Pincher is back....
Posted:Oct 23, 2020 3:53 pm
Last Updated:Oct 24, 2020 2:07 pm

Today's message said...

Think u could swat a guys balls around?

Depends on what he wants me to swat them with.....

Fly swatter?


Looks like it's going to be another crappy, rainy weekend in. This weather is just killing me. Nothing but rain and gloom...


It's been a while since I got a good drunk on, I'm thinking tomorrow night sounds perfect. The Spawn will be at her dad's so I don't have to argue about what movie to watch next AND I can talk back to the TV without seeing her disapproving scowl from the corner of my eye.

5 Elements of a Successful Zoom Meeting
Posted:Oct 22, 2020 10:13 pm
Last Updated:Oct 25, 2020 1:26 am

1. There should always be, at minimum, four subject matter experts present the information. One expert that has literally no idea what he is presenting and three others who are completely incapable sharing their screen. This will add, at minimum, 15 minutes the length of the presentation as they chat back and forth asking whether or not we can 'see their screen'.

2. Every successful Zoom Meeting should be attended by at least 60 individuals all in various states of work. At minimum, ten of them should neglect put their computer on mute so the rest of the audience can hear them crunching on snack foods, yelling at pets and , and burping and groaning in the background.

3. At least two members of the audience should be brown nosing, attention , over achievers who want add or clarify every fucking statement made. Their web cams will be on and everyone attending the meeting will be forced watch them as they lean into their laptops 'clarifying' the subject matter expert with information the rest of us already know. They haven't made their point until the rest of us can see up their nostrils.

4. The Subject Matter Expert with the most knowledge and best understanding of the material being presented will have the most trouble with their computer. Audio will disappear, their screen will freeze, and they will lose their connection at least twice during their presentation. This presents an opening for the least knowledgeable expert to ask if anyone has any questions he can answer, then answer them all by saying "Let's put that in the parking lot and ask [missing expert] when they're back online."

5. The Zoom Call should end as haphazardly as it started. The 60 members of the audience should all simultaneously unmute their computers and ask questions at the same time. Who gives a shit about a chat function?!? The Presenters will have run out of time as the call went long and they have another one to attend for a different region of the company. The annoying woman who had been loudly crunching on chips through the whole call will have reached the end of the bag and will be pouring the crumbs into her mouth on webcam for all to see.

And, there you have it folks! The five elements of a successful Zoom Meeting.

Personally, I prefer to be the silent observer on these things.... Camera off, multi tasking, only using the chat function if and when I have questions.

Happy Zooming!
What's the point?
Posted:Oct 21, 2020 3:05 pm
Last Updated:Oct 22, 2020 10:28 pm

I don't normally complain about this stuff.

We're all on here experiencing the same stupid shit. Wanna chat with someone when you're not a Gold Star Super Fancy Premium Member, you have spend some .

It's the way it is, and I accept it. If I feel like responding a chat, I chat. It doesn't bother spend the .... If it's worth it.

Here's the part that pisses off though.

When a person initiates a chat, and you respond, SPENDING YOUR , only have them not speak another word.


There you sit, once comment in, 17 down the drain, and all you've managed accomplish is....


The worst part? Having it be someone you know...

I need pick better friends.
It's midnight, I'm awake, and it's too fucking hot in here.
Posted:Oct 20, 2020 9:44 pm
Last Updated:Oct 22, 2020 10:17 pm

What are three things that are currently pissing off at the moment, Alex?

I fell asleep too early tonight, I just couldn't keep my eyes open. Hell, I didn't even go to the gym tonight, I fell asleep THAT early....

You would think the rain could gently lull me back to sleep?

Maybe if I hadn't turned the heat up earlier because I was cold it wouldn't be surface of the sun hot in here right now....

So, here I sit, window cracked in my bedroom, waiting for the temp to cool off enough that I can crawl back into bed.

Middle of the night frustrations.
Only at the Dollar Store...
Posted:Oct 19, 2020 11:05 pm
Last Updated:Oct 21, 2020 3:36 am

Can you stop in to by toilet paper and snack food and leave contemplating the meaning of life.

It's a given.

I told the Spawn I was going to stop at the dollar store after the gym to pick up some TP and she jumped at the chance to come also.

"Oh, dollar store! Can I come?? Dad gave me $20."

"Sure, if you want to sit in the car for an hour."

"I'll bring my phone."

The convenient thing about this dollar store is that it's RIGHT around the corner from the gym I go to.


I can be a little gross and sweaty and still feel like I belong. I blend right in with Cat Hair Lady in the Health and Beauty isle and White Trash Family ransacking the rest of the store.

We were waiting in line when I realized I recognized the guy who was at the register in front of us.

The years had not been kind him....

Growing up he had been someone I'd always had a crush on and it was hard believe that he and I were basically the same age. He'd been the first boy kind of flirt with , way back in the ninth grade, when he somehow managed unscrew a screw from the bus wall and hand it , saying... "Wanna screw?"

And now, here he was, haggling with the cashier about what put back because he didn't have enough cash, he was short by a dollar something.

"I've got dollar, don't put it bac"

The Spawn was in front of , so I handed her a dollar and some change and she handed it the cashier.

"Hey, thank you, I really appreciate that."

"No problem."

Which brings the contemplating part....

What if, back in the day, I had gone on a date with him when he asked out. Would his life have changed for the better? Would mine have changed for the worse? Or, would everything have turned out exactly as it has?

Personally, I think everything happens for a reason.... So, regardless of what I did back then, everything would have turned out exactly as it has.
Someone fire that truck driver!
Posted:Oct 19, 2020 3:52 am
Last Updated:Oct 20, 2020 9:09 pm

You know... The one that hit with a Mack Truck!

My Middle has been sending gym techniques that he is learning and wanting incorporate in my gym routine.

Oh My Fucking God....

Even thought I have been CHEATING, I still feel like I want die this morning. Every muscle in my entire body is sore.

Over the course of the weekend I managed spend 90 minutes on the treadmill as well as workout my arms, legs, and core...

Good God....

I made him a promise that I'm going start doing a little something extra every time I go, I know that eventually it's going get just a little easier.

It made cry see him say "you can do this ma".

Little shit... Using all that love and encouragement get change my life for the better.


How dare he?!?

Happy Monday!!
Was it a date with destiny?
Posted:Oct 18, 2020 1:01 am
Last Updated:Oct 19, 2020 10:10 pm

Nah... Turns out, it was a date with a guy named Dan.

I have well meaning friends. Friends that feel the need find "The One" as I've apparently been divorced and single long enough that I'm bordering on Spinster territory.

They aren't very choosey in their considerations of "The One", however.

So, a few weeks ago my friend Cindy Lou decided she wanted to introduce her brother-in-law.

He was recently divorced. (Red Flag #One)
He has grown . (Red Flag #)
He recently started a new job. (Red Flag #)

Dan the Man called Friday and asked if I'd be interested in having dinner with him Saturday, I didn't really think anything of it. (Red Flag #Four)

Apparently, Saturday was Sweetest Day. The restaurant was full of couples.

It was an unmitigated nightmare. A living, breathing what-not--do in motion....

I could not get out of there fast enough.

Because it was a fix- with a man I knew nothing about, I chose meet him at the restaurant.

The smartest decision I've ever made in my life....

So, Dan the Man is recently divorced and he could talk about was how terrible his wife was and the he lost in the divorce. He was scorned at the fact that she had so easily moved on and was already seeing someone else. He wanted do the same.

Um, yah.

He talked about how thankful he was that his were grown and the youngest was in college. He was ready move that next chapter in his life and experience new things.

Mmmm... hmmmm....

When I thought I could take no more he started talking about the new job. The new job was so much better than the job because his boss at the job was such a 'dick face'. But nothing compared the job he had five ago because the benefits there were phenomenal.

How many jobs has this guy had, exactly?

It was at this point that I chose call it a night and sever my friendship with Cindy Lou as this was hands down one of the worst experiences of my life.

From this point forward, she will forever be referred as Cindy Lou Who?
The case of the missing remote!
Posted:Oct 17, 2020 8:14 am
Last Updated:Oct 18, 2020 5:54 am
Those who know , know.....

I can NEVER find the remote!

For hours this morning I tore my apartment apart looking for the firestrick remote.

In the couch? Nope...

Under the couch? Nope...

Did it somehow migrate to the kitchen? Nope...

Did the evil kitty start playing with it and somehow manage to drag it somewhere??

I had finally given and relinquished myself the pain in the ass blueray player when I saw something from the corner of my eye. I had moved my vining plant last night because the Evil Tilly just would not leave it alone, tearing the shit out of it where it was, hanging above my chair.

My cute, little baby kitty has become a terror of a ....

In the process, I had set the firestick remote on top of the book shelf where I had put the plant. That thing could have been lost for days....

I would have never thought to look there.

Thank God for small miracles.

When all else fails....
Posted:Oct 16, 2020 3:49 pm
Last Updated:Oct 21, 2020 2:45 pm

Buy a new sweater in your favorite color.

So, here I sit tonight... It's a Friday night and my biggest plans are to go to the gym, get sweaty, and come back home.

It's an exciting life I lead!

Then again.... I did get another message from the Ball Pincher. He's apparently willing to hire me to pinch his balls.


I think I'll have to give that a pass. When it comes to second jobs, that is definitely not what I envision myself doing.

In case you are wondering....

I did buy a new sweater in my favorite color.... It's a soft, peacock blue V-neck that I can't wait to wear.
What can I say... I'm a chubby delight.
Posted:Oct 15, 2020 4:22 pm
Last Updated:Oct 19, 2020 10:27 pm

The Spawn was digging through the coat closet yesterday and happened upon an , pink fleece that I used wear....  Once upon a time.

"Why have you been hiding this from me??"

"Oh, I forgot I had that.  That is so ...  I used love that coat."

"It's cute!!  Did this FIT you???"

Her brow was furrowed, totally not believing I could have ever fit into such a tiny jacket.

"I wasn't always the cubby delight you see before you now, you know."

I could see the wheels in her mind twirling as she came to the realization that I could have possibly looked different at in my past. 
"I don't know if I'd go so far as call you a delight..."
What a stinker!  She's totally got my personality.  Poor ....

"Now you know why you aren't my favorite ."

"I knew it!!"

Happy Thursday!
That's quite an ice breaker!
Posted:Oct 14, 2020 2:51 pm
Last Updated:Oct 16, 2020 9:33 pm

Do you wonder what could possibly be going through a person's mind when they send you an opening message like.....

Do you like pinch a mans balls all around?

Or, how about this gem....

Let's skip the small talk and get nekkid.

While I know there are probably women out there that would have jumped at the chance pinch a guys balls after immediately getting 'nekkid' with him....

I am not one of them.

For starters, I prefer know I'm not going have a scorned wife/ friend stalking me at work trying ruin my life. I'd also like know I'm not going catch a venereal disease from nekkid guy and all his skipped small talk.

There's a lot be uncovered during small talk!

Do you clip your toe nails or are you currently sporting the dragon talons?

Do you remove your teeth to brush them or are they attached?

Speaking of teeth.... Can you count them on one hand or does it take fingers and toes??

Perhaps men just aren't as picky....

Three teeth? Strong pinching fingers?? They're in!!

Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm asking for too much to want to find that partner in crime.

That guy who clips his nails and brushes his teeth...

That guy who wants to chat with me about his day....

That guy who wants to meet up with me on the weekends I don't have for an evening of adult fun....

I might as well be asking for a kidney.
Overheard in the office today....
Posted:Oct 13, 2020 2:22 pm
Last Updated:Oct 15, 2020 3:46 am

Spam Spam was working in the office across the hall from mine today. One of her employees came to her to let her know he was leaving the building for lunch today and would be bac

"Hi [Spam Spam]. Just checking in let you know that I'll be leaving the premises here shortly get some lunch. I'm starting get , unless you want eat you."

Um.... Yah. My mind went immediately X-rated....

"Um, nope, I don't think we need that. You'd better get some lunch then."

She was laughing awkwardly, her mind went where mine did.

"Yah, that's what I'm thinking. Ok then."

And he was off.

Queue me....

"Did I really just hear that?!?"

We both burst out laughing.

"I don't think I can UN-HEAR that...."

And, this is where we totally lost it. Tears were rolling down my cheek I was laughing so hard. I hadn't realized it, but one of the other leaders was in the office with her when it all happened, and I could hear his laughter too.

"I'm not even going to go there."

He migrated over to my office, shaking his head, and repeated "I just can't go there."

Never a dull moment....
Alice Cooper Eyes
Posted:Oct 12, 2020 4:45 pm
Last Updated:Oct 14, 2020 2:08 pm

There are a lot of things I think about during the course of the day....

Is my zipper zipped? Do I have food in my teeth? Is that a pimple I feel starting emerge on the side of my nose? Will they ever find Jimmy Hoffa....

One of those things I should be thinking about, and usually do not, is what does my make up look like?

I mean, let's face it. With my own personal sauna mask strapped my face each and every day, wearing make up has become a challenge. It's impossible look fresh and dewy when I'm sweating my ass off and breathing in my own exhaled oxygen.

Let's not even get started with my hair...

So, it was a pretty eye opening surprise when I happened glance at myself in the mirror today and saw the state of my eye make up.

Eye shadow had somehow migrated below my eye and mascara clumps were dotted along my lower eye lid. When I tried to rub it away, it was no use... Everything was literally sweated into place. Helen Keller could have done a better job putting my make up on today.

I gasped aloud and immediately cringed at the sight!

In the back of my mind I suddenly remembered why I had bought waterproof mascara the last time I needed new mascara.

The waterproof kind actually stays on my lashes...

I don't actually care for the waterproof mascara as it's hard to remove so I easily talked myself out of buying it again. I had forgotten the original reason why I got it to begin with.

When it's all said and done, the last thing I want to see in the mirror at the end of the work day is Alice Cooper staring back at me.

It's just not a good look on me.

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