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Have green bean, will travel....
Posted:Jul 22, 2020 2:32 pm
Last Updated:Jul 23, 2020 6:23 pm

Picture it.....

Gas station, 5:15 pm.

Secret_lade is standing in line to pay for her fuel when she sees a friend from work.

"Hey Lady! Didn't I just see you!!"

We were JUST talking in the parking lot at work. I literally JUST saw her. We laughed at the coincidence and then it was my turn at the register.

The cashier rung up my gas and my water then looked awkwardly at the front of my shirt.

"Ma'am... You've got something on your shirt."

"I do?"

Now that I spend most of my day without my glasses on trying to see beyond a fucking mask while it's poking my eye skin.... I overlook a lot of the up close stuff.

"Oh shit. I'm wearing a green bean."


At some point during my lunch I dropped a french cut green bean on my shirt and not one person said one word about it the rest of the day.

Tuesday Observations
Posted:Jul 21, 2020 2:49 pm
Last Updated:Jul 22, 2020 5:48 pm

1. What goes around, comes around.... A woman with a loaded shopping cart cut me off in the grocery store today. I fucking hate it when people peel out of an isle with no consideration to anyone that may be walking down that center isle... This time, however, I watched as she caught her flip flop under the wheel in her haste to be in front of me, stumbling and falling. Like a preteen girl I openly laughed at the spectacle.

2. When you tell off The Most Annoying Coworker on Earth, they suddenly start to avoid you. Why didn't I do this sooner?!? It was liberating to see him walk past my office twice and not feel the need to pop his head in and tell me something stupid.

3. I just watched as the president said "China Virus" repeatedly. I wonder how long it will take before I see backlash from this plastered all over everywhere....

4. I ended up eating part of my lunch with Nose Hairs today, he's growing a beard behind his mask. I'm not liking it.... He looks a little homeless and disheveled. I rarely see anyone without their masks on anymore... It feels kind of weird now.

5. Twice I've been asked to be the grill master at work.... And twice now a guy has stolen my thunder. What's up with that?!? I have every intention of doing the cooking, but end up rocking the side-kick role opening the hot packages and holding the tongs. Is there an unwritten rule that I'm unaware of? When did grilling become man's work? I feel cheated.

6. Why is the scarecrow always a bad guy in the scary movies?
The best of the best ice breaker messages I've received this week....
Posted:Jul 20, 2020 3:10 pm
Last Updated:Jul 23, 2020 1:21 am

I shake my head and wonder, sometimes, at the shit I receive in my inbox. What the fuck are these people thinking??

It certainly isn't common sense.... Good lord.

Cause, if this is your idea of an ice breaker first message, your cock is going to shrivel up and fall off before a woman messages you back.

While a lot of the messages I receive are your run of the mill "got any face pic" messages or the "I'll be in your area this weekend" messages....

There's always one or two that manage to surprise me still, even after all these years.

And, this weeks illustrious honor goes to the 78 year old man with the scowling profile pic that asked me "What you got between your legs".


Your first message to a woman 30 years younger than you are is asking what she has between her legs?

Um, a crotch??

Good God...

I should have replied back, certainly not you, but I chose to ignore it instead. Lord have mercy on the soul of the woman who decides 'he's the one'.
What's the scent of the day?
Posted:Jul 19, 2020 5:09 pm
Last Updated:Jul 20, 2020 2:40 pm

Lavender Sandalwood with real lavender essential oils....

My last job was a sales job working for a company that sold the most amazing body care products and home aroma items.

I loved and hated it at the same time.

I loved all the free product we got for each floor set we did, I have enough gratis items last me the rest of my life, but I hated the sales part that required me demo products on actual people.

Good God....

"Have you tried out our new scrub at the sink? It smells amazing and leaves your hands silky smooth."

Yah, believe it or not, this is something I actually said people... And people ate it right up. They would follow me the sink while I told them about the new fragrances we had JUST released in home fragrance. While they were scooping out the sugary goo into their hand I was retrieving candles for them to smell.

Before you knew it, they were a sugar scrub, a lotion, a body spray, and a candle into a sale. I was actually the employee who had the best sales at our store, I think partly because I was friendly and I didn't pressure anyone.

It's been nearly three years since I left that job and I still have products I've never used... The Lavender Sandalwood was one of them.

I hadn't been crazy about that line... It was during a time when we were getting back to basics and trying a more natural approach to body care.

It didn't well....

But I was looking for something different today when I took my shower and that was it!

I have to say, I'm actually kind of loving it. Not sure if it is the essential oil... Or the sandalwood?? But, when I went to the gym today, it was the most amazing smell. As soon as I started to get a little warm it was like it triggered a release of scent.

The smell was everywhere.

All I can say is, I've found a new favorite for the moment.
Stormy Sunday Morning
Posted:Jul 19, 2020 3:15 am
Last Updated:Jul 20, 2020 2:43 pm

Thunder... It's music my ears.

I love a good rain storm, especially when I can just lay in bed with my eyes closed listening to the rain pelting the roof. Lightning flashes lighting the sky....

It would be even better if I didn't have James Earl Jones, the downstairs neighbor lady, hacking a lung so hard I can hear her through the floor.

She's a real peach.

When I got home from the gym last night I saw her carry a giant box of adult diapers and a carton of cigarettes into the building.


Speaking of priorities.... I got another yesterday from Bathroom Selfie Guy. This time, it's a completely naked selfie of him in his bathroom.

No words, just the photo.

Now, what do you suppose we hope to accomplish this time? I never responded to the previous one, that one, of of them, would definitely have been the clincher!

What girl doesn't want images of her vagina, penis inserted, over the internet?

I guess maybe he's a little butt-hurt that I didn't just swoon when I saw that initial glamour shot of him in the public restroom? How fragile is his ego that he can't let that go?
When emotions run amuck...
Posted:Jul 18, 2020 5:32 am
Last Updated:Aug 8, 2020 7:32 am

You know it's serious when the Spawn packs up her bag....

I got up this morning and discovered she took her Peppa Pig toothbrush, her shampoo and conditioner, and her hair brush. I wonder if I'll ever see her again.

I had a come-to-Jesus talk with the about bills and spending the other day.

I don't like doing this, but they just don't get it when I tell them... Hey! I just spent $40 on snacks for the whole week and you guys ate it all in one day! Nothing but chips and cookies and pop! And... No! I'm not spending $12 for a bottle of shampoo! I don't care if it doesn't have parabens. I just saw you washing a pair of shoes with shampoo last night! Or, my all time favorite, I am NOT buying you robux. me back you say?? I don't recall you EVER paying me back.

While they weren't happy about the talk, this was actually not the reason she packed up her bag.

Thursday was a stressful day for me at work and I ended up telling the Spawn, when I got home, "Let's just go the beach!"

And, we did.

I swam for a while, I sat on the shore for a while, I soaked up the sun. I was feeling pretty good when we were getting ready leave and told her, "Let's get ice cream!"

And, we did.

We were sitting in the living room when the Middle showed up, unexpected. He had just gotten done doing recruit training with the recruiter and had started telling me about it.

Then he looked at the Blizzard.

"Where's mine?"

"I didn't know you were coming over. I would have picked one up for you. Grab my card, go get one." I was still happy at this point.

"You really think you should be spending money on that stuff?" He was cynical.


"Didn't you just say we need to watch spending and you can't afford all this stuff but you can spend money on that?" There went my happy....

"I work every day doing a very stressful job to take care of our needs. I work this job. If I choose to buy myself a fucking ice cream, I'm going to do it."

"That's not what you said the other day. You said you couldn't afford it."

This is when the Spawn chimed in to support her brother. There she sat, eating her Blizzard, supporting his argument.

And, I shut down. I felt absolutely devastated. I got up, threw my ice cream in the garbage, and went back to my room for the rest of the night.

And, cried... and thought about all the things I do for them... and all the ways I make their life easier.

I came to the decision that, I was no longer going to be doing it.

Before work I wrote out a note and left it on the little chalk board for them to read. I told them the best way for me to save money is to cut out the useless spending I do each month for things that are not essential.

The first cut is phones. The Spawn's phone, completely unnecessary. The Middle 's phone, he's got a job and old enough to for his own. If their dad chooses keep up the bills, good for him. I've been doing it for years, it's his turn.

Also cut, Netflix and Hulu. We won't be needing stream anything when I also cancel our internet.

The last cut was snack food. Sad, but true, I put in writing that each will get 1 bag of chips, 1 package of cookies, and 1 drink of choice last them an entire week.

This is, apparently, unacceptable as she packed up her bag last night and had the Middle come get her after work.

She didn't even tell me she was leaving.


I'm sticking my guns, though, and actually doing it.
Mermaid Hair and Customer Service
Posted:Jul 16, 2020 3:42 am
Last Updated:Jul 18, 2020 4:25 am

I was out the sales floor yesterday when I heard a little 's voice excitedly exclaiming...

"She's got mermaid hair mom! She's a mermaid!!"

Not paying any attention it, I continued hide from someone I knew down the isle I was pretending be working in.

Yah, not going lie, I am that person who will avoid people I know in public places if I know they will want stand there and have a long, drawn out conversation about every ailment, every stroke of bad luck, and every inconvenient experience they've had since the last time we spoke.

This goes double when I'm at work.

"Mom!! Look!! Look!!"

I felt a soft tapping on my shoulder and turned see who it was.

In this day of COVID-19, most people are afraid come within earshot of anyone ask a question, let alone tap on their shoulder get their attention.

"I'm really sorry Ma'am...." It was a young mom, she looked really hesitant approach . With the mask you can't see smile anymore, so instead I pulled out my customer service voice and pretended I wasn't just hiding out sketchily mere feet from her trying to avoid people contact.

"Hi there, what's guys?"

"My has recently discovered mermaids and...."

"Are you a mermaid??? I think you're a mermaid!!!"

I couldn't stop myself from chuckling. Her little mask had a mermaid it.... I could tell this mom really loved this girl.

"SSShhhhh.... Don't tell anyone, but even we mermaids need jobs too."

Her face lit and she smiled a smile of pure delight.

Sometimes, it's in our perception of something.
The crunch you could hear around the world.
Posted:Jul 15, 2020 2:29 pm
Last Updated:Jul 31, 2020 2:11 am

My office sits quite a distance from the break room.

On a normal day, I may hear some laughter or a little loud talking... But I never hear an individual actually 'eating' anything in the break room.

Until today, that is.

I was on the phone with a director from another store and all I could hear was the crunching sound of someone eating chips in the break room.

And, I'm not just talking a little crunching...

Someone was back there open mouthed chomping on chips. The crunching sound was echoing all through the offices and conference rooms. I had to shut my office door just to hear my conversation.

What the hell is going on back there??

Turns out today was the day we were providing potato chips to the employees and one of our diminished capacity employees had discovered this and was munching his way through the stockpile of chips during his break.

He had to have had at least 10 empty bags sitting before him...

Good lord.

There are so many things I would like to say, but I cannot... Part of me has been hardened to these people as a result of years of sexual abuse by a family member who was diminished in this way.

I spent the majority of my young life being told...

He doesn't know what he's doing. He can't control himself. We need to just keep this to ourselves, we don't want him to be taken away. Don't allow yourself to be alone with him.


No little girl should ever have to wake up with any man's hand in her underpants.

Diminished, or not.

I now have a hard time being around these individuals, and I avoid the Chip Chomper like the plague. I have seen the way he looks at women and ... All those old, bad feelings just start to resurface.
Have you seen my dignity?
Posted:Jul 14, 2020 5:04 pm
Last Updated:Jul 15, 2020 2:41 pm

Cause, I lost it somewhere in the parking lot at work.

If found, please return.

I tripped on the curb and caught my balance on my coworkers body as we were headed into work today.

It truly was that moment I just wanted to die.

"Oh My God! I'm so sorry! My toe caught on the curb!!"

I literally had my arms wrapped around his body. Is it possible to die from humiliation?

"Hey, it's ok. I'm just glad you didn't fall. That would have really hurt."

He was taking it like a trooper, my face was smashed into his chest.

"I guess there are worse things than being smashed up against a guy."

What is wrong with me???? Did I really just say that to a coworker???? I'm going to get my ass fired.

I laughed my nervous, awkward, laugh of humiliation as we headed up to the building together. So far, I still have my job....

Happy Tuesday.
It's just a mask, people.
Posted:Jul 13, 2020 5:28 pm
Last Updated:Aug 6, 2020 12:18 am

I'm not asking you to strip naked and wear nipple clamps to shop, I'm asking you to wear a fucking mask.

The governors new edict has made it mandatory that businesses require customers to wear a mask. If we do not, we can find ourselves closed down.

For the most part, customers have been amazing. Many are saying, Finally! Some are saying, I don't really agree, but I'll wear it.

Then there are these guys....

I was manning the door when Joe Asshole came walking through amongst a crowd of about 10 other random people, he was not wearing a mask.

"Excuse me sir. It is now required by law that our customers wear proper face coverings to shop here."

"You ain't making me wear a mask! I have COPD and if you make me wear a mask to shop I'm going to be shooting people!"

He was yelling at the top of his lungs... Several of the customers had a concerned look on their face as they looked right at me, I looked right at Joe Asshole.

Phone in hand, I was already dialing for assistance and easing the customers as they walked past. Joe Asshole didn't miss a beat, with three trailing behind him, he breezed right past me and into the store.

All I could think of was, what in the fuck kind of example is this guy setting for these ??


It was decided by management that the cops needed to be involved because of the nature of the threat. While he may not have brandished a weapon, he was threatening physical violence within a crowd of people, included.

So, the cops came.

Two police vehicles parked in the front of the store and watched Joe Asshole leave with his . It turns out, both cops knew who this guy was and recognized his vehicle.

He'd apparently had run ins with them in the past...

The only thing that saved him today, at that moment, was the fact that he had his with him. We were instructed by the officers that they would be paying a visit to Joe Asshole later on tonight to take care of the situation.

Here's the thing....

I don't want to wear this mask any more than you do, yet, here I am. If you don't want to wear the mask, you don't need to shop wear I work.

Pure and simple.
Sunday, Sunday....
Posted:Jul 12, 2020 4:28 pm
Last Updated:Jul 13, 2020 10:16 pm
After a shit ton of sleep, I finally felt like myself again today. Did some laundry, did some vacuuming, did some cooking....

I was sitting on my balcony enjoying the beauty of the day when this happened.

Radio blaring, yelling into the phone.... My downstairs neighbor speeds up to the building then hops out of her truck, coughing and hacking, dropping her cigarette in the process.

"Jack! Jack! Get my inhaler!"

After a moment of commotion and shuffling, she picks up the cigarette and tells whoever is on the phone with her, she has to go.

She's got to her doctor.

Now, I'm not exactly certain she realizes I sit out on my balcony....

Because, she stood right below me, and made a phone . She was making a her doctor.

"This is [White Trash Downstairs Neighbor]. I need to request another prescription for my steroid. My lung infection is back."

Coughing... Legit coughing. Brief silence, then the sound of a Bic lighter lighting a new smoke.

"Yah, that's the one. It hurts real bad to breathe."

I'll bet... How about we take another long drag of that Marlboro.

"Uh huh, Walmart. Ok, bye."

And, they were off.

Feeling like maybe I should get out and do something, I decided to get my gym gear on and go work out.

I kicked it up a notch on the treadmill and ended up a gross, sweaty mess by the time I was done.

Not pretty...

I've realized it takes a little bit for me to actually start to sweat. I get flushed, and feel over heated, and even a hair sick to my stomach, but once I break that sweat, there is no turning it off.

I was 20 minutes in when I felt it trickle down the side of my face. I had already been feeling it on my arms and back, but not to that degree. I licked my lips, salty... I do like the taste of salty skin.

I'm usually doing other things, though, when I'm tasting salty skin.

It's that moment, though, when I start to break a sweat, that the workout becomes easier. Forty five minutes on the treadmill isn't quite so bad, I can do this! Kicking it up to 3.5 incline isn't such a big deal anymore, I can do this!

And then there's that magical moment when you've reached the cool down....

I think to myself, I fucking did it!

I'm a gross, sweaty mess with my bangs plastered to my forehead but I just did 45 minutes on the treadmill, walked 1.48 miles, and burned 293 calories.

Take that, Sunday!
Out of Gas Anything Helps
Posted:Jul 11, 2020 7:07 pm
Last Updated:Jul 13, 2020 6:04 pm

I've struggled with a headache all day today.

After sitting on the balcony, listening to music for God knows how long, I finally decided to just crawl into bed and sleep the rest of the day away.

It helped.

When I woke up I decided to put myself back together as best I could and head to the gym for just a bit... Just to keep the routine going.

And then I saw him.

There was a guy, barefoot, standing on the corner by the stoplight holding the cardboard sign that said "Out of Gas Anything Helps".

Where I live, this isn't something you see very often.

Real... Not real... Who knows.

It's a human being and he kind of looked to me like he needed help. So, I rolled down my passenger window and said "I don't have much, but I'd like to help."

I gave him the $5 bill I had in my purse.

Whether it was a scam or not, I don't know, I'd like to think he really needed help.

While my day was not the greatest and I didn't really feel my best, I'd like to think that at least one good thing came out of it.

Human kindness.
Mexican Food and Studmuffins....
Posted:Jul 10, 2020 2:42 pm
Last Updated:Jul 11, 2020 7:08 pm

Hot Tamale!!

It was a bit of a rough start, but the Mexican restaurant turned out to be a huge success.

They were still making the food when I got there, which was inconvenient, but at least I knew it was fresh and hot. I was sitting in the waiting area when I heard my name being called from the kitchen.


Who in the hell is going to know me from the Mexican restaurant?? Everyone I've spoken with, from the restaurant, has pronounced my name incorrectly so far... Must be a tough one for those who speak Spanish.

Turns out it was someone I had hired temporarily during the shut down who had returned back to his regular job... At the Mexican restaurant!

Apparently I make an impression on people.

He came out to the waiting area to thank me for giving him a chance to work when he would have otherwise had no employment.

I do like to hear stuff like that... It makes me feel good to know that I have the ability to make somebody else's life better. This particular guy had just received an eviction notice when I brought him in to onboard him.

The rest of the day ended up being kind of a blur of too much to do and not enough time to do it in...

So, when it was time for me to go home, I could have cartwheeled all the way to my car if I wasn't 100 years old with bad knees and ankles. Instead I did the fast walk... Avoiding the isles with coworkers and selectively not hearing the people who called out my name.

This day was done!

Um... I wish.

I pull into the parking lot and head to my spot when I see Studmuffin sitting on the tailgate of his truck and a buddy leaned up against the side.

My inner snob was sighing in disdain and disapproval.

I tried to get out of my car and head to the door as fast as possible, to avoid any type of conversation what-so-ever, but, it was no use.

They both looked right at me the minute I parked.

I was nearly to the door when Studmuffin yells out to me "Hi".


"Hi" I half heartedly threw back at him, barely turning.

"I hope you had a good day." Ugh... Even worse, he's trying to be nice.

"Um, it was ok. Work." I turned to acknowledge them, but my response was half hearted. I was already turning to go through the door...

"How do you like my truck?" Really???? Oh My Fucking God! "I've been really putting a lot of work into it. Do you like it?" Christ... Now I'm going to have to pretend to be nice.

"I don't remember what it looked like before." Yah, that wasn't nice. What's wrong with me, I can't hide my dislike. Turning to head into the door again....

"It was all black, and kind of rusty. See?? I have the bottom painted silver now..." He was really proud of his handiwork.

"Yes, I did see that. It looks nice, you've done a good job." This time I was nicer. Big mistake...

"I needed a change after my divorce. My wife left me and I just..... Wanted something different."

"The old truck had bad juju... I get it."

"Yah, exactly."

At this point, I told him to be proud of his handiwork and have a good day, escaping into the building and up into my apartment.

Home at fucking last....


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