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How Important Do You Think It Is?  

GreenEyedLady_60 60F  
1890 posts
4/22/2019 11:11 am
How Important Do You Think It Is?

The word vet or vetting has become a “catch word/phrase” lately….in politics and other areas.

Vetting as defined by Google: is the process of performing a background check on someone before offering them employment, conferring an award, or doing fact checking prior to making any decision. I’d say vetting someone prior to meeting or dating someone applies as well, since it is a decision one makes.

So my question to the members of A*F*F is how much do you think vetting someone is important in general, and to you?

How much vetting would you do before meeting someone?

Do you just take their word for who and what they say they are or need more?

Honestly it is pretty important to me!

Now of course they have to give you their real - full (first and last) name for you to be able to accomplish this, and if they’re not willing - would send up some red flags to me anyway...and I would simply not pursue anything more! But 's just me…..and fine by me. See ya later...bye bye!

I checked out the last lover I had on the internet before deciding to meet him. I didn’t go so far as paying to get a full background check on any prior arrests, liens on a home, previous addresses, possible alias etc. But I did at least make sure the facts he gave me matched up as best I could. His home address did come up, and actually the names of some other family members names can come up, as well as some previous addresses in a free search. I was honest with him, and told him I did this!

I did also communicate with this guy for a few weeks through messaging,emails,and had some public meets (for coffee) before actually having any private meets. I also contacted a close friend before the first private meet, and gave her the name of this guy - where we were meeting, and told her I would contact her later to let her know I was okay!.....lol

I ask this because recently in New Jersey (close to Philly - and she was from Philly) a woman was sexually assaulted by a man she met through the “fishy site”! Thankfully the police caught him by pretending to be another woman looking to meet him!

I think it’s very possible for me if, and when I decide to start meeting someone again…. I may very well do a more thorough check.

Do you think it is too invasive? Are you willing to just trust your instincts - go with your gut? Do you consider someone does a total vetting paranoid or smart to do so?

Btw….I have no problem at all with someone vetting me! I have nothing to hide, so it’s fine by me. In fact the last lover said he checked me out as well...although I don’t know how thorough of a search he did. He also said he didn’t mind, and thought it was a good idea.

I would also make a suggestion of getting pictures (conventional) before a meeting if none are posted. Actually the ideal situation might be a few pictures. A single picture can be “lifted” from the internet a little easier than multi ones.

I may be a little on the paranoid side, but ’s okay with me! I’d rather be safe than sorry! I have /grandchildren I want to live to see, and don’t relish the thought at all of possibly being assaulted or worse soooooooooooooooo………….





Be Honest..Be Sincere...Be REAL


GreenEyedLady_60 60F  
1909 posts
4/22/2019 11:14 am

Sounds about right to me......

Be Honest..Be Sincere...Be REAL


GreenEyedLady_60 60F  
1909 posts
4/22/2019 11:42 am

    Quoting  :

I agree....too risky for me to meet someone with minimal or no contact other than one email or whatever!

Sadly you are correct - an abundance of crazies are out there!

Be Honest..Be Sincere...Be REAL


let_me_see1 61M  
664 posts
4/22/2019 11:58 am

A person cannot be too safe in these crazy times. we are past the days of leaving our front doors unlocked...or meeting someone on just minimal identification. Males and females are both subject to being harmed in any instant meetings. I always will meet someone in a public place on the first date or two. I find that a good exchange of facebook friendships can reveal a lot of the person that they would normally not show on a dating site and letting them have access to mine should also let them get to know me better as well. Once we both feel comfortable (and she realizes how cool of a guy I truly am lol), it lets will also help the relationship by getting a truer, deeper understanding of who the person really is.

Keep doing background checks before you meet anyone. I want to keep reading what you post on here dear and not read in the newspaper about any bad things that may happen!

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GreenEyedLady_60 60F  
1909 posts
4/22/2019 12:23 pm

I obviously agree on meeting new potential dates and yes, gone are the days of unlocked doors. I tell my girls all the time- even during the day...keep that door locked!!!

Public meetings are the only way to go in my book. I haven't met many people honestly.

The Facebook connection would be a good one, but I have to have a certain level of trust and communication with someone before I give access to even that. After all, my family could be open for perusal depending on my settings - which I actually keep pretty private on that....lol

Trust me....should I decide to meet anyone...they will be vetted.....lol

Be Honest..Be Sincere...Be REAL


bitchkitty2017 67F  
5293 posts
4/22/2019 12:29 pm

depending on the reason for meeting someone as an employer they should act on it as an important tool to see what the potential employee has to offer in background things like maybe honesty or integrity ...companies have to be very careful as they have a lot at stake in making a good choice...if its menial and not so much as important as digging up anything on that person it may be a premature thing but up to the individual ...but in saying that not all people are bad and some can change with age become better people as learned experiences come their way...a lot of people have very honed intuitive skills ..I am more likely as just a person who has made mistakes myself and do not judge others who may have in the past which can show up as a blight now...to not dig too much...after all my past is not always been rosy...but if paranoia sets in checking out or vetting someone , if anything , can be a real eye opener...


GVFerrari3 71M  
1 post
4/22/2019 12:50 pm

You are absolutely right. Remember the saying "Just becasue I'm paranoid doesn't mean somebody isn't out to get me."


Greyhawk48 50M

4/22/2019 2:18 pm

I believe a person can’t be too safe anymore with anything. What you have described sounds normal to me before you meet up with someone new. Like you said if they hold back to make vetting more difficult that’s a few huge red flags in my book.


GreenEyedLady_60 60F  
1909 posts
4/22/2019 2:52 pm

    Quoting bitchkitty2017:
    depending on the reason for meeting someone as an employer they should act on it as an important tool to see what the potential employee has to offer in background things like maybe honesty or integrity ...companies have to be very careful as they have a lot at stake in making a good choice...if its menial and not so much as important as digging up anything on that person it may be a premature thing but up to the individual ...but in saying that not all people are bad and some can change with age become better people as learned experiences come their way...a lot of people have very honed intuitive skills ..I am more likely as just a person who has made mistakes myself and do not judge others who may have in the past which can show up as a blight now...to not dig too much...after all my past is not always been rosy...but if paranoia sets in checking out or vetting someone , if anything , can be a real eye opener...
Yes I think more and more companies are vetting their prospective employees in order to protect themselves,it just makes sense.

In a personal situation in my opinion as I say, it is a good idea. Probably being a little dramatic here...but it could be a matter of life and death. You read many times in the news about people going missing. Perhaps some of those are situations such as a meeting or dating type of thing.

Be Honest..Be Sincere...Be REAL


GreenEyedLady_60 60F  
1909 posts
4/22/2019 2:55 pm

    Quoting GVFerrari3:
    You are absolutely right. Remember the saying "Just becasue I'm paranoid doesn't mean somebody isn't out to get me."
Thanks...I'd rather be considered paranoid and safe, as opposed to too easy going and lax....and also dead, sold into sex slavery or some other horrible fate!

Be Honest..Be Sincere...Be REAL


GreenEyedLady_60 60F  
1909 posts
4/22/2019 2:56 pm

    Quoting  :

LOL.....thanks!

Be Honest..Be Sincere...Be REAL


GreenEyedLady_60 60F  
1909 posts
4/22/2019 2:59 pm

    Quoting Greyhawk48:
    I believe a person can’t be too safe anymore with anything. What you have described sounds normal to me before you meet up with someone new. Like you said if they hold back to make vetting more difficult that’s a few huge red flags in my book.
Thank you....and I'm glad I sound pretty normal....lol

Absolutely - if someone doesn't want to give you information about themselves it kinda makes you wonder what they have to hide...in that case...see ya later!!

Be Honest..Be Sincere...Be REAL


author51 57F  
99819 posts
4/23/2019 12:56 am

I find out as much as possible before a meet with photos, their name and things like that but honestly have never vetted them online..That is a good idea though as well as when you are alone with them letting someone know where you are.. There have been horror stories and those here who meet them in a hotel or their private home first shot are risking their lives.. Good post and I applaud you for being so thorough.....

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Kalbi54 65M
1241 posts
4/23/2019 9:22 am

I'm not sure on the first meet and greet (in public), you need to be that investigatory about the other person. I can understand if you are considering the possibility of getting further involved that you need to have some additional confirmation that the person is who they say they are.
If on the other hand, after the meeting and there is a good possibility of further engagement, that person should be willing to answer personal questions.


GreenEyedLady_60 60F  
1909 posts
4/23/2019 4:20 pm

    Quoting author51:
    I find out as much as possible before a meet with photos, their name and things like that but honestly have never vetted them online..That is a good idea though as well as when you are alone with them letting someone know where you are.. There have been horror stories and those here who meet them in a hotel or their private home first shot are risking their lives.. Good post and I applaud you for being so thorough.....
Yes getting photos and their name are a definite and like I said... I may tend to be a bit paranoid about taking it a step or two further, but we all do what we think is best for us.

This world sadly is not the same as it once was...or at least like it seemed to be..and as you mentioned there are horror stories in the news many times.

I'd like to avoid being a sad statistic.......

Be Honest..Be Sincere...Be REAL


GreenEyedLady_60 60F  
1909 posts
4/23/2019 4:31 pm

    Quoting Kalbi54:
    I'm not sure on the first meet and greet (in public), you need to be that investigatory about the other person. I can understand if you are considering the possibility of getting further involved that you need to have some additional confirmation that the person is who they say they are.
    If on the other hand, after the meeting and there is a good possibility of further engagement, that person should be willing to answer personal questions.
Public meets are an absolute definite!! Anything else to me would be sheer lunacy!

I understand what you're saying and the guy (last lover) that I checked out was going to be someone that I was going to most likely become involved with. So after the public meets, and with the information he shared - I decided it was best for me. and my safety to take the step of finding out all I could. He seemed like a good guy (and he was)...but as I mentioned...better safe than sorry.

If someone gives me info that doesn't check out....I would not meet them.

Be Honest..Be Sincere...Be REAL


pocogato12 68F  
34147 posts
4/25/2019 4:35 am

I have done some vetting but not this deep. I have always mete for the first 2-3 times in public and always told a friend where I was going. I have no intention of becoming any sort off statistic. Great post

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billydixy66 67M
180 posts
4/25/2019 4:38 am

Whilst I do do some background checks I also tend to ask casual yet pointed questions to which I already know the answers and validate against those.
Then there is always the meetings in a public place
Funnily, some of the craziest people I have met passed the formal vetting with flying colours. However, the crazy wasn't abusive, murderous or otherwise violent. Bunny boilers, stalkers and just plain of the planet


GreenEyedLady_60 60F  
1909 posts
5/1/2019 2:51 pm

    Quoting pocogato12:
    I have done some vetting but not this deep. I have always mete for the first 2-3 times in public and always told a friend where I was going. I have no intention of becoming any sort off statistic. Great post
Yes...I may be a little bit unusual in the checking I'm willing to do, but with some of the horror stories you hear I figure it's worth it to me.

There would definitely be public meetings before I'd even consider any private meetings. Like you I'd rather not be a statistic...

I'm glad you enjoyed the post!

Be Honest..Be Sincere...Be REAL


GreenEyedLady_60 60F  
1909 posts
5/1/2019 3:01 pm

    Quoting billydixy66:
    Whilst I do do some background checks I also tend to ask casual yet pointed questions to which I already know the answers and validate against those.
    Then there is always the meetings in a public place
    Funnily, some of the craziest people I have met passed the formal vetting with flying colours. However, the crazy wasn't abusive, murderous or otherwise violent. Bunny boilers, stalkers and just plain of the planet
My last lover and I communicated online for a few weeks and shared some info about jobs, family, general area we lived etc. So anything he mentioned I did my best to check.

We met in coffee shops a few times, shared some more talk, and things checked out.

I'm still here...so obviously he wasn't an ax murderer (which was a weird joke between us.....lol).

Honestly I have only met one other person online before him...and none since him....

Bunny boilers?.....oh Lord...I hope not to meet any of those or any other nut cases!

I'll just keep on checking the best I can......lol

Be Honest..Be Sincere...Be REAL


CarriedBack 58M  
121 posts
5/3/2019 8:56 am

As far as I'm concerned, please vet to your heart and brain's satisfaction. As so many have already said, in today's world you'd be reckless to not check into a burgeoning online connection that could be leading to an in-person encounter.

After eight years on AgoraCosmopolitan Dating, here's my general "vetting" process, once a few initial communications have indicated further potential:

1. Do not share face pics until you have established where the other person lives, where (generally) they work, and what the length and depth of their AgoraCosmopolitan Dating experience has been. After all, one doesn't want to discover they're communicating with a co-worker, friend of an ex-spouse, a jilted prior lover, or the teacher (or classmate!) of a child. (The following steps suggest strategies for how to do that.)

2. Confirm that the first name they are providing to you is their real first name.

3. Seek additional details and insights from their profile--including a review of their 3Fs: Friends, Fans and Favorites. After all, you can often learn a lot about someone by the company they keep (or would consider keeping)!

4. Move to a phone conversation as quickly as you can: The sound and tenor of a voice--and especially speech patterns when responding to questions--can tell you a LOT about a person, including how genuine, sincere and forthright they are. Phone chats also make it easier and less obvious to gather more info and to pin down the community or industry in which they work.

5. Using the info you have obtained thus far, try to locate them on the internet. I have been most successful using Facebook and LinkedIn (if they have a career in which networking matters). Do keep in mind that LinkedIn's default settings will let them know that you've viewed their profile, so you may want to activate the "don't let them know" feature. You can also block them on FB or LI if you feel that's in your best interest (an action that can later be reversed).

6. If all is cool thus far, set up a face-to-face meeting. Coffee, drinks, lunch, whatever. Unless it's someone with whom I've had a lengthy, involved virtual relationship, I always assume that no one's clothes will be coming off during a first encounter. (However, it can be an appropriate and convenient opportunity to find out whether you're compatible kissers--a test on which more than one potential "friend" has received an unsatisfactory grade.)

Or more simply, as Sgt. Esterhaus used to say....

[image]


GreenEyedLady_60 60F  
1909 posts
5/3/2019 5:02 pm

Some very awesome advice!!

I get a bit nervous about sharing a phone number, but a necessary evil so to speak I suppose at some point - once some levels of "trust" are established.

A phone number can be traced (even a cell #) to an address. Generally I believe a paid search is required to get that info.

With me...no clothes would be coming off with a first meet, nor second or third perhaps.....lol

But I did kiss the guy that eventually became a lover on our first meet and apparently I passed, as did he.....lol

Be Honest..Be Sincere...Be REAL


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